Half A Whole Year Old

That's right, people. I am 6 months old.

Watch out 'cause here I come!

Oh, don't worry. You'll here me comin'. Man, I can crank out a scream like nobodys business. I really like screaming and do it quite often. I do it for fun, I do it for attention, I do it to get what I want. There's my, "I'm having such a great time" scream (which is more like a really loud squeal). Then there's my, "NO, MOMMY, I WANT YOU NOW!!!!!" blood-curdling scream. I find that the "I WANT YOU" scream is best used at about 2am or so.

Most kids have to wait until they're at least sixteen or so to get their own ride. Not me. I got a sweet little convertible right after my 5 month. It's, like, totally pimped out. You should hear the sound system. Crankin'.

Let me tell you something, Daddy was so jealous that he begged me to let him take it out for spin.

I've become an old pro at eating cereal. I've tried three different types: rice, oatmeal and barley. I eat them all without much fuss but, I would have to say that my favorite is oatmeal. Rice is just way to bland for my gourmet palate and, I don't know, barley just doesn't do it for me. Mmmmm, oatmeal. It's the BEST. Give it a try, okay?


The best part about eating is right after I'm done. I always get to play with the spoon and bowl. I've learned that if you drop a plastic bowl on a wood floor it makes the most awesomely loud noise. Sometimes, if I drop it just right, it will spin round and round on it's rim for, like, 10 seconds. That is just the best. It makes my day, I tell ya.

One last thing about eating.......

I HATE carrots.

Over the past month, I've brushed up on my grabbing skills. And, for some reason, I am compelled to put EVERYTHING in my mouth now. It doesn't matter if it's appetizing or not. I just can't help it.

My toys......

My Jumperoo....
My toes......

Um, no. Not carrots. What are you, freakin' nuts?!

I'd like to make a shout out to my GmaF. She came to visit during this past month. A good time was had by all. And, yes, that's right, I AM SOOOOOO big!

I've done a bunch of other things too: I make more types of sounds, I'm growing more hair, I'm outgrowing all my clothes, I actually like "tummy time", I enjoy a good laugh, I sleep on my side, I like to eat magazines, I like to grab things on the shelf at the grocery store and I like to give high fives.

And, every now and then, I like to rock out.

"HEY THERE! BLACK SHEEP! HAVE YOU ANY WOOL?! YES SIR, YES SIR! THREE BAAAAAAAGS FULLLLLLLLL!"

Thank you, thank you. I've been practicing. If you liked that one, you should hear what I can do with Little Miss Muffet.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot! I rolled over from my belly to my back the other day. You'll see Mommy's reaction in the video. She thinks I'm a genius or somethin'. To tell you the truth, I did it by accident. Shhhhhhhhhhhh! Don't tell her, okay? It's our little secret.

I began playing with this block sorter the other day. Man, how dumb do they think I am? I mean, look at this thing. They expect me to put the blocks in the corresponding holes. Um. Yeah, sure.

Only an idiot would do it that way. Just take the dumb top off. The blocks go in much easier and quicker that way. Jeez. Block sorter, my butt. They try to take all the fun out of these things. See?


Here's my 6 month video. I know you are all going to be totally jealous of my ride. Don't worry. When you come to visit, I promise I'll take you for a ride or two. We'll cruise the living room.

Enjoy!


XXXOOO to you all.

Talk at ya next month!

TV

Huzbend and I don't get to watch a lot of TV anymore.

I'm not sure we actually watched a lot of it when we didn't have a kid. Okay, maybe we did. Before she was born we ate ALL of our meals in front of the TV. Those days are LOOOOONG gone.

All I have to say is, the DVR is a great thing.

Most of our TV watching occurs on the weekends when K-T goes down for her big afternoon nap. We usually take those couple of hours to watch all the programs that we've recorded during the week.

I used to watch a bunch of 'reality' TV. American Idol, The Apprentice, Survivor, Amazing Race etc. But, I find that my interest in them has waned a bit. Sure, American Idol is fun to watch when you've got Joe Shmoe claiming he is Freddy Mercury reincarnated. But, I just don't have the time to invest in picking a favorite and then supporting them. Survivor 'jumped the shark' with the whole Castaway Island thing. How lame. It used to be my favorite show. Oh well. I still watch Amazing Race. But, I think they are destined to lose my interest too. This season they are doing a 'AllStars Edition'. LAAAAAAME, once again. Why do I want to watch people that I have ALREADY watched? I have two words to explain why I don't watch The Apprentice anymore - THE DONALD. Sigh.

Because we have so little TV time, we have to pick and choose our favorites. I'm gonna list out my favorites. You must watch them. Okay, you don't have to. Just give them a shot so they don't get cancelled or anything. Nothing sucks worse then getting sucked into a show only to have the ratings plummet and have it go bye-bye.

This has happened a couple of times. Last season there was a show on ABC called 'Invasion'. It was a decent show. It wasn't spectacular, but we watched it from the beginning. Its ratings tanked and we never got to find out what happened. It's like investing the time to read a so-so book and then finding out someone ripped out the last chapter.

This also happened with a comedy on FOX called 'Arrested Development'. That show rocked. It was freakin' hilarious. 'Arrested Development' won, like, six Emmies and it still got dropped. There aren't many sitcoms out there that are laugh out loud funny. This one was. It's a damn shame it got cancelled.


Hmmm, let's see.

I like sitcoms with no laugh track. Laugh tracks are just ultra-cheesy. A sitcom should be funny enough on its own without the network having to prompt me to laugh at the appropriate time. Most of these laugh track shows are built on stupid one liner jokes that you can always see coming from about 400 miles away. Boooooooooring. Anyways, the shows below are anything but boring. Check out my favorite non-laugh track comedies:
The Office - NBC
My Name is Earl - NBC
The Knights of Prosperity - ABC
Extras - HBO

There's a couple of dramas that I like too. Listen, I like complicated plot lines. I like NOT knowing where things are going. I like surprises. I like witty and fast-cracking dialogue. I like shows that don't treat you like you're an idiot. I like a little romance here and there. I like hot guys. Well, I do. Okay, in the case of all you dudes out there - you like hot ladies, right? Most of these shows have some or all of the criteria above. Let me break it down for you:
LOST - ABC - tons of surprises, very complicated plot, hotties galour.
ROME - HBO - complicated true life drama, men in Roman armor, ladies that sleep around to get what they want, lots of sex, blood and guts. COME ON, it's ROME for cripes sake.
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - NBC - here's your witty dialogue and your romance.
CSI - CBS - witty dialogue and complicated plots. A mystery each week. Nice.
Heroes - NBC - complicated and people with cool super powers. A nerds dream show.

As for talk shows, there is just one: Oprah. When I get the time that is. Seems that she's spent a lot of this season talking about eliminating your debt and shedding extra pounds. Not that she doesn't give out good advice. I find that I say. "Well, on Oprah they said.....". Huzbend rolls his eyes when I begin a sentence like that. I guess I deserve it. I do the same thing when he starts a sentence with, "I read in Playboy.....".

You can tell a lot about a person from the TV that they choose to watch. Let's see, what can you learn about me? You can find clips of all these shows on YouTube. Check 'em out if you want and you'll see.

What, are you chicken?

A Three Hour Tourrrrr, A Three Hour Tourrrrrrrr

I got three hours of sleep last night.

This sucks.

Sorry to complain yet again, but I just gotta get it out of my system.

I've already complained to K-T about it. We sat down this morning and had a talk about this 'no sleeping' thing. She just stared at me while I asked her what her issue was. Sadly, there was no give and take. It was kind of disappointing in a way. I was hoping that I would at least get an AH-GOOO or something. Come on K-T, throw Mommy a freakin' bone. I did get some smiles though.

K-T's cheeks and chin became very chapped due to her excessive drool. I think the drool comes with teething (nope, no teeth yet). The dry skin became itchy. So, she did what any itchy baby would do. She scratched it until it became red and began to ooze yellow pus.

I couldn't get the sores to go away. No amount of lotion would stop the itch. She would just rub, rub, rub.

I couldn't take it anymore. There had to be something that I could do to alleviate her discomfort. Tuesday we went to the doctors. He told me that the sores were infected and prescribed an antibiotic ointment.

I've been using the ointment and the sores seem much, much better. One has completely disappeared and the other is on its way out.

In addition to using the ointment, I took the binky away. It seemed to irritate the problem even more. Maybe because it trapped the drool against the skin in those areas. Not really sure. I think that this is causing her some major sleep issues. She can't seem to sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time. For lack of anything else to blame it on at this point, it might be the binky.

I think the only reason that she is getting any sleep at all is because she exhausts herself by screaming.

So, it's been a week without the binky. Each night has gotten worse and worse in terms of lack of sleep. My hope that I could break the binky habit early to avoid fights with a toddler are backfiring.

For the sake of my sanity, the binky must come back.

Happy Belated Groundhog Day!

The greatest prognosticator of all prognosticators has spoken!

Phil's official forecast as read 2/2/07 at 7:28 a.m. at Gobbler's Knob:

El Nino has caused high winds, heavy snow, ice and freezing temperatures in the west.
Here in the East with much mild winter weather we have been blessed.

Global warming has caused a great debate.
This mild winter makes it seem just great.

On this Groundhog Day we think of one thing.
Will we have winter or will we have spring?

On Gobbler's Knob I see no shadow today.
I predict that early spring is on the way.

So, Phil has said Spring is on it's way. Well, I guess that's good news.

We've always wanted to visit Punxatauney.

For you see, valued readers, Groundhog Day is our wedding anniversary.

No, this was not planned. It just happened that way.

I graduated from college in May. As I got in the long-ass line to recieve my diploma, I noticed some people were holding up a big painted sheet with the words "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" on it. My first thought was, "Gee. That's nice. What a lucky girl."

Then I noticed Auntie Onion-Dip holding up one corner of the sign. Gulp. The sign was for me.

I made my way up to the stage. I told the announcers that the sign was for me and that I would like to answer. The gentleman announced my name as he handed me my diploma and the microphone. "Yes, (insert Huzbends name here), I will marry you!" I said. This was followed by the thunderous cheers and applause of the couple thousand people in attendance. Nothing like putting me on the spot. Jeez.

The plan was to wait until Huzbend graduated and then get hitched. He was going to graduate in December of that same year. I always make fun of him because it took him longer to graduate than me. He always has to remind me that it was because he took a semester to do a work study program that allowed him to take me to Disney World for the first time. Nyaaa-nyaaaa, I still graduated first. Tee-hee.

After Huzbend graduated, the plan was to wait and get married in mid-July. We were going to have a JP marry us at a picnic. After the shortest ceremony we could possibly have, we would chow on 'dogs & burgers and play a kick-ass game of family vs. family soccer.

But, this was not to be. No disrespect to our parents or anything, but we wanted OUT. We couldn't see living at home all the way until July. There was really no reason to wait that long.

February 2nd just happened to fit the bill perfectly. We had moved in to our first apartment a week earlier and the 2nd fell on a Friday. I don't think we even realized that it was Groundhog Day.

We took our vows at a local Italian restaurant with close family and a small gaggle of friends in attendance. I was almost late to the proceedings because I had to wait for the cable guy to set up service in the apartment.

Huzbend wore jeans and a tie with Tigger on it. I wore a green jumper. A good time was had by all. After the ceremony, we asked our friends back to our tiny apartment. We watched "Fist of the North Star" on our borrowed TV while finishing off the wedding cake. For our honeymoon, we went to the mall the next day to spend some gift certificates.

That's how it all began. And now, it's been 11 years. ELEVEN freakin' years. I am NOT even gonna tell you how long we were together BEFORE we were married. You all know anyways.

It wasn't a stellar anniversary. Huzbend was really sick and stayed home from work. As a surprise I prepared London Broil with Steak Sauce gravy, Cheesy Smashed potatoes and greenbeans for dinner. Sounds complicated, right? To tell you the truth, it WAS the most complicated thing I have ever cooked. As you all know, I don't cook.

It really wasn't that hard and it came out pretty decent. Thanks, Rachel Ray.

I got Huzbend's cold the next day. So far, K-T has escaped. The weekend was awash in boogers and used tissues. Not a pretty sight.

To put things in perspective, I shall leave you all with a little sampling of poetry. This specific selection was written by my Father. I tell you chaps, it is because of him that I am blessed with such excellent diction. I hope that he does not become cross at seeing his private, heart felt words upon this page. It is only with the highest regard that I publish them here.

Roses are Red,
Eleven years. Congratulations.
Now put down the card,
And go have Relations.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Hmmmm.

The "meltdowns" haven't stopped.

Since the first one on Thursday, the 18th, there have been 3 or 4 others.

Most of them lasting about an hour to two hours at a time.

First we thought it was seperation anxiety. Then we thought it was the teething rash on her face or the teething itself. Who knows what it is. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to these screaming sessions besides them occuring at night.

So, now I get anxious every night before bedtime.

Hearing her scream like that makes my heart rate jump up. It makes my body tempurature rise. The adrenaline dump it causes makes me feel like I've drank about twenty Red Bulls.

I began to doubt all the stuff that I've learned about her over the past five months. Where was I going wrong?

But, do you wanna know what's weird? I'm getting used to it.

Weird, huh? I remember when she was first born and I wrote about getting used to her crying for everything, to only getting two hours of sleep at a time, and her poopy diapers. But this is different. How does someone get used to a baby that is screaming at the top of her lungs?

I'm not sure. But, I'm doing it.

Yes, I still get anxious. That's not going to go away. But all this screaming is making me a better mom. I find that I can get through one of her fits without having a fit myself. Her crying used to make me want to cry. For some reason, in the past week, I've become stronger in this aspect. My brain has decided to get tough. I have to be the Mommy. It's my job to hold her while she screams it out.

I should take video of one of her fits.

Hold on, now! Don't panic. Not so I can post it here! So, I can show K-T when she gets older. Something like, "See what you put Mommy and Daddy through" or as blackmail when she gets to be a teenager.

No, no posting it here. I don't want to scare off any potential parents, you know.

Trust me. The picture that you all have in your head of her screaming is totally not as bad as the live thing.

"Goochie, goochie gooooo! How 'bout a smiley-wiley?"

Since K-T has been able to hold her head steady, I've been putting her in the baby carrier facing outwards so that she can see the world.

I'm sure you've seen some moms walking around with these carriers on. They're the ones where the baby is strapped to the moms chest. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, please refer to K-T's post from Sept. 15th 2006. There's a pic of me with her in the carrier before she could hold her head up.

It's been about a month and a half and she absolutely loves it.

We walk around and she's all like, "OOOOooooo. Oooo. Oo."

And I'm like, "Do you see the trees, K-T? The trees are green. The trees are tall. Taller than Mommy. Do you hear the doggie barking? Boy, he is a loud doggie" or "Okay K-T, time to get the milk. The milk is cold. Brrrrrrr. Okay. Now, we can't forget Mommy's yogurt!"

I must sound like a complete tool.

Anyways, when we are walking around the grocery store or at the mall, it is just about guaranteed that someone is going to approach us and start talking directly to K-T. It's the funniest thing. They completely ignore me and start jabbering nonsense to her. They ALWAYS try to get her to smile.

Which leads me to my point. K-T doesn't smile at strangers.

No matter how ridiculous a face they make, no matter how high and squeaky their voices get, she just stares at them as if she is thinking to herself, "What IS this idiot DOING?"

They're always let down. You can see it in their faces. They expect her to smile and when she doesn't, it's almost like it ruins their day.

Then these people always say something like, "Hmph. ALL babies smile at me" or, "Ohhhh. No smile for me, baby?"

Translation: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR BABY?

I don't know. I don't know why she doesn't smile at you. She smiles plenty at home.

It always leaves me feeling bad that she won't smile for them.

So, I tell them that she is "soaking it all in". That there is so much to see that she just can't focus on them to smile. That she might be overwhelmed.

I really don't think this is true. But, the people buy it because then they keep talking to her.

"Awwwwww. Poor baybee. That's okaaaaaay. It's all too much for you, huh? Oh look! The wittle baybee is wooking at da buttons! Are you gonna help Mommy push da buttons? I bet you are! Push! Push! Push! Aren't you the cutest wittle baybee? Yeeeeeees. Soooooo keeeeeyyyyyuuuuute!"

Sigh.

Meltdown

I know what you're thinking when you look at the photos that I post of our darling Baybee K-T.

You're thinking, "Awwwww. Isn't she the cutest thing? Look at those pudgy cheeks! Don't you just want to pinch 'em? She's so sweet, I could just eat her up! Garsh darn it!"

Okay, so that ended up sounding like something Aunt Bee of Mayberry would say. But, it's the idea that I'm trying to get across.

That is the case. Well, most of the time.

But, last night. Uhn-uhn. Not so.

K-T wanted to take a nap at about 8pm. Usually, that isn't a problem. She'll sleep for about 20-30 minutes and then I'll put her to bed at about 11. No sweat.

So, she fell asleep on Huzbend's lap. To help her fall asleep we usually lay a blanket over her head.

It's not the way it sounds. We don't try to suffocate her. She just likes to cuddle with the blanket before she falls asleep. Kinda like Linus or something.

Anyways, she fell asleep. DEEP ASLEEP.

The problem was that she was still sleeping an hour later.

I asked Huzbend to wake her up so that I wouldn't have to be up all night. Boy, was that a mistake.

I think we woke her prematurely.

She started with a tearless cry.

This quickly ramped up into a scream.

Then the tears began to flow.

Then boogers started flowing out her nose.

Then she got the hiccups from screaming too much.

Then she started gagging on spit up.

Then she began to suck in deep breaths, kinda like hyperventilating, because she was screaming so hard.

Nothing would stop her. Not hugs, not kisses, not soft talking, not rocking, not the binky, not a diaper change, not classical music, not the ba-ba's. Nothing.

Finally, after an hour and a half of the tirade, huzbend got her to relax a little. And when I say relax, I mean not screaming constantly but taking small breaks in between. I was able to breastfeed her and she fell asleep.

Kudos to huzbend who continued to hold her for pretty much the entire time she was screaming. I think he might be deaf in one ear today. I really didn't have the stomach for it. I still get upset when she screams. I can't take it. I'm such a wuss.

She slept the whole night through. From 10:30pm all the way to 8:30 in the morning.

Phew.

It was a bad one. One of the worst. And last night wasn't the first time it happened. The same thing happened on Thursday night.

I hope we aren't getting into a pattern.

It's my turn, Mommy!

How old am I again? Five what? Five mumps? What are mumps? Shouldn't I be getting shots for that? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. MoNths! Five moNths? Okay, okay.

I am five months old and I am a-likin' it.

We had a thing called Christmas this time around. Man, it was awesome. I'm not quite sure I get it though. Why does someone go through the hassel of wrapping stuff in all that paper when it takes about one second to tear it all to peices? Well, it takes me a little longer. It only seems to take Daddy half that time. He's a master un-wrapper. Wouldn't it just be easier for everyone to just give the unwrapped toy? Then you could just start playing with it immediately. What do I know, though.

Thanks to everyone out there that sent me such great presents. They are all super cool! Mommy and Daddy got me a new best buddy, Flutterbug. I also got a jumpy seat. Even though I can't quite figure out how to 'jump' in it, it still is sweet. It's got lights and sounds and a hoppy little kanga on it. Dudes. Just wait until you see it on the video. You'll wish you were me. Totally.

Speaking of Mommy and Daddy. They're hangin' in there. I think I might be driving them just a little nuts as evidenced from the pictures below. You see, I DEMAND attention now. I've figured out how to make my wishes known. All I have to do is scream and 'put on my angry eyes'. They do just about anything to make me stop. Bwa-hahahahaha! You should see it! Man, sometimes I just crack myself up.

To Mommy and Daddy's great relief, I usually get about ten hours of sleep a night. Sometimes, if I really concentrate, I can even go a whole eight hours without eating. How nice am I? Thought I would give Mommy and the Ba-Ba's a break every now and then. I still take at least three naps a day as well. Two little half hour ones and then one ginormous three hour one in the swing. Here's a pic of me and Daddy just chillin'. I'm gettin' ready for a mini-nap.

Oh, and here's a pic of me just waking up. I mean, come on. Noone looks good when the first wake up and yes, Baybee K-T is no exception to the rule. Sigh. There's just no escaping the paparazzi.

There have been a bunch of what Mommy likes to call, "firsts" this month. Let's run down the list of things that make me so cool.

I got my own big girl chair. Now, I can sit and enjoy meals with Mommy and Daddy. I don't have to sit way down on the floor anymore. It's pretty cool. I can play with Flutterbug. I can grab at anything that comes close to me. I can provide entertainment during breaks in conversation. Heck! I can even join in the conversation. It's wicked cool.

I also tried this stuff called 'cereal' for the first time ever this month. I really hated it the first time I tried it. But, I've had it about a dozen times now and I think it's growing on me. Literally.

Ha-ha. What a knee-slapper! Man! I got a million of 'em.

My arms are finally long enough to reach the giant butterfly. FINALLY. Jeez. I've been wanting a piece of him for a while. Watch as I try to pull his wing off. He can take it. He's tough.

What else? Oh yeah! This is a big one. I can sit up now.

Man, do I kick butt or what?

Right after that Christmas thingie, Daddy decided to sit me up to see if I could stay there. And, yep, you guessed it, I DID! I've just been getting better and better at it. It is SOOOOO neat. I can see so much more stuff. The problem is that the stuff is always JUST out of reach. Now, if there was only a way that I could get to it. I'm still working on that one.

Mirror, mirror on the floor. If you don't think I'm cute, show 'em the door.

It snowed again. This time, thanks to one of the Christmas presents I got, I was prepared. It took Mommy about 5 minutes to get this thingie on me, but I think it was worth it.

Check out the faux fur lining. Luxurious.

Check out my latest vid. And, NO, Daddy is not in his underwear in that first shot. He's wearing shorts. Get your minds out of the gutters, people.

So, um, when's that Christmas thing again? A WHOLE YEAR AWAY?!?!

What choo talkin' 'bout Willis?!?!?!

Orange Snow

What the hell?!?!

You can call me on this, but I think that we've gotten more snow in the Northwest this year than where we used to live. I know it's only the second week of January, but we weren't supposed to get any snow here AT ALL. Talk about false advertising.

I also think that we have had much colder weather. Today our tempurature is 28 degrees, but feels like 22. Back East, well, it's 45 degrees. The weather switched coasts on us.

Al Gore must be right. Global warming, people. A VERY inconvenient truth.

We got about 2 inches of snow on Wednesday night. And once again, it threw our area into mass chaos. People abandoning cars, massive traffic jams, unplowed/untreated icy roads. It's craziness. I guess it makes for good news coverage though. They just can't stop talking about the unprecedented snowfall and plunging tempuratures.

If you ask me, I would say, "been there, done that." It's all quite boring. I really thought I would miss the snow. I guess it heard me and followed us here. Now, I wish it would go back home.

There is a difference between city snow and country snow. When country snow falls, it's a pristine white color. When city snow falls, it's orange. Yep. Orange.

I looked at one of our bedroom windows on Wednesday night and there was an eerie glow emanating from behind the shade. So, I got up to look out one of the front windows. The snow that was falling was reflecting the glow of the street lights. It was creepy.

I guess you could say it was "orange out" conditions.

What else is new?

Huzbend worked from home yesterday. But, today, he rode his mountain bike to work in the frigid temps and ice. He is one crazy dude.

K-T mauled her forehead. We've been fighting a losing battle with dry skin. She's got it really bad. Last night, during a mini-nap, she decided to scratch her forehead. Now, it's all torn up. Looks like she got in a fight with a weed whacker. This weekend, I think we have to go out and get a humidifier or something. Lotion is just not cutting it anymore.

Finger Pickin' Good

I'm stressed.

You may be thinking to yourself, "Why the hell is SHE stressed? She's a stay-at-home mom. Her responsibilities include: grocery shopping, changing diapers, feeding hungry kid, reading bedtimes stories, cleaning house, playing with kid, etc. What the hell is so complicated about that?"

To answer your question. I have no freakin' idea.

I do know this, I AM STRESSED.

The reason that I know I'm stressed is that I cannot stop picking my fingers.

Picking your fingers is some sort of an obsessive compulsive disorder brought on by worry or stress. It's really gross. It involves picking away at the skin right next to your fingernails, sometimes to the point of bleeding. There are times when you don't even realize that you're doing it. When you actually DO realize you're doing it, you're obsessed with making sure that you get ALL the bits of skin hanging off so that your fingers look smooth. How whacked is that? This picking action releases some kind of hormone that helps you to feel relaxed. The problem is that soon all your fingers have open sores on them. They also become bright pink because there's no longer any normal skin on them, just scar tissue. I'm pretty sure it messes up how your nails grow too.

I've been doing this since I was a kid. There were times when I had managed to stop. But, since K-T was born, I've just fallen right back into the bad habit.

Finger picking is disgusting. I know this and yet it's really hard to stop. What if K-T gets older and sees me doing it? I don't want to pass my weirdness onto her.

You want to know another way I know I am over-stressed? I went to the dentist last week for the last round of replacement fillings. The dentist had asked me at my first appointment if I ground my teeth at night. I told her that I didn't think so. She said that she would keep an eye on my teeth. After that appointment, I noticed that I don't GRIND my teeth, I CLENCH them. I first noticed that I was doing it when I was breastfeeding and then at night when I was waiting for the baby to fall asleep. Now, I notice that I do it practically all day long. It's not just when I am stressed about K-T. It's when I am doing any task that requires concentration. This clenching is grinding down my molars so much that the dentist had to give me a bite guard to wear at night!

I guess, first I have to figure out what is stressing me and then try to conquer it. I'm naturally a person that stresses about things. It's just me. The difference is going to be how I deal with the stress. I've got to find another outlet or something. Or, just learn to deal with it.

NUMBER 1:
I'm what you would call, uh, 'anal'. I like things to be a certain way. I like to be in control. For example, this whole baby thing; no control. I mean, she does have a schedule of sorts; eats every 3-4 hours, needs a mini-nap every 2 to 3 hours and needs a long nap in the afternoon. I can usually interpret what she wants, but there are some times when I am just at a loss. I hate the fact that there are times when I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

NUMBER 2:
Everyday I have a list in my head of things that I want to accomplish. I am a very organized person. I like to have plans. Like, today for example. This is what I want to do; go grocery shopping, clean the bathrooms, update my blog, check my email, do some work for my old company, get a workout in, take a shower, watch some of the recorded TV shows on the DVR so they don't get deleted, water the plants, pay some bills, put away the clean laundry. Now, that's a lot. There is NO WAY I am going to get all that done. Problem is that I'll try. If I don't succeed, I'll feel like I didn't accomplish anything today.

Notice in that list there is nothing about K-T. I'll try to work all that stuff in between taking care of her. That list of chores is secondary to her and her needs. She always comes first. And yet, even if I spend all day taking care of her and she is the happiest baby in the world it won't be enough. Even if Parents magazine came to my door today to name me "Worlds Greatest Mommy", I would still feel like I slacked if I didn't clean the goddamn toilet. What is wrong with me?

NUMBER 3:
At night, it's a different story. Huzbend comes home and we spend some quality family time together. It's the best time of day. Come 10pm, it's time for him to get to bed and K-T and I to do our nightly ritual. Getting her to sleep is one of the most stressfull times for me. Last night, I was sitting there in her room just picking and picking at my fingers. I just couldn't stop. I was thinking in my head, "You HAVE to STOP, right now." And, I just couldn't.

I think this all comes down again to control. I hate when she wakes up and screams in the middle of the night. I am obsessed with it. I lose sleep because of it. I'll put her down at night and she'll fall asleep. Then I go to lay down and I can't sleep for fear of her waking up. I'll lay there and think to myself, "She's going to wake up any minute now. I have to be ready." I'll just stare at the monitor....waiting. I can't help it. Huzbend has said multiple times that it doesn't matter if she wakes him up. He's even told me that she has YET to wake him up with a nighttime screaming fit. But, still, I'm obsessed.

I have to let all this stuff go. It's unhealthy to be stressed all the time. And actually, to tell you the truth, I'm clenching my jaw right now as I type. Jeez. This is going to be hard. The finger picking thing is another story. I've stopped before. I'll just have to force myself to do it again.

It's got to stop.

Haiku Friday

Secure in my arms

Katie looks out the window

Wind chimes ring softly