There's no such thing as a Fun Run

I ran a 5k trail run this past weekend.

They usually call these 5K's "Fun Runs".

I guess it's an attempt to make it seem like all the runners join hands and sing "Kumbaya" as they jog merrily along the way.

That's a nice thought. Really.

But it tain't so.

Here's a run down of the race.

The start was good. Exciting. The path led up into the woods and directly onto a gradual hill climb. People starting dropping like flies since they started out way too fast (LATER, SUCKERS. RUDY THE RABBIT, RUDY THE RABBIT).

There were two dads and three kids running near me for a while. The dads were casually talking business (SHUTUP AND RUN YA BASTARDS). The kids would sprint 25 yards, then stop and walk for a while then sprint again (JUST GET THE F- OUTTA MY WAY).

Then some poor dude was way outta breath running up another steep hill. Wheeze, wheeze, wheeze. I thought he was going to pass out (WILL YA KEEP YOUR DAMN BREATHING NOISES TO YOURSELF? YOU'RE THROWING OFF MY RHYTHM).

There was this lady that I kept passing and then she would pass me back. We kept going back and forth for pretty much the entire race. At the last hill, I was able to summon some extra reserves and pass her (EAT MY DUST, CHICKY).

I was able to keep my friend and her 8 year old son in sight for most of the entire race. The kid kept up the good fight until he got a stitch somewhere between mile 2 and 3. I was able to pass him (THERE AIN'T NO WAY AN 8 YEAR OLD IS GONNA BEAT ME. I'LL NEVER LIVE IT DOWN. GOOD RACE LITTLE DUDE, BUT I'LL SEE YA AT THE FINISH LINE).

By this point, I was, like, 25 yards from my friend. I could see her through the woods ahead of me. I was wondering if I could catch up with her (I'M COMIN' FOR YA!!! NOTHIN' IS GONNA STOP ME).

The finish line was in sight. I really thought that I might be able to catch up with her. Wouldn't it be nice to finish together (KEEP LEGS MOVING. KEEP BREATHING STABLE. MUST SAVE ENERGY FOR SPRINT TO FINISH)?

I gave it my all and caught up to her. I passed her on the left. She looked over at me, said "OHHHHHHH NOOOOO!!", and kicked it into high gear. I had nothing left. I had spent it all trying to keep her in sight the whole time.

She beat me in a sprint finish.

We both did the 5k in under 30 minutes. Something like 29:29 with her about 6 or 7 seconds before me.

I went out and ran as hard as I could. The thrill of competition, so long absent, came rushing back. What can I say? I'll never change.

I did get to eat pancakes when I was done. Oh yeah, and I also got a pretty nice t-shirt.