Soooooo sleeeeeeeepy

Is this normal?

There are only 1 or 2 times during the day when Katie will get herself into a deep deeeeeep sleep. The kind of sleep where she doesn't move a muscle and you can hardly tell that she is breathing. Most of these deep sleep sessions are (unfortunately) during the day. They occur when she is either in our arms, in her carseat, or in her swing. Very rarely can we get her to sleep like this in her bassinet. What happened to the days when she would sleep like this all the time? Back when she was first born, every sleep was a DEEP sleep. See newborn sleep example below.....

Well, nowadays the majority of her sleep might not really qualify as "sleep" at all! It seems that she wakes up every 5 minutes. But, she isn't really awake. Ha-ha! It's all a ruse. If you look at her, her eyes are closed the entire time. She will "talk" to herself using either whimpers, moans, grunts or by yelling out "AYE!" Then, she will kick out her legs and throw her arms all over the place. Last night, she did this for 5 hours. See 5 and a half week old sleep example below....

Let me tell you, this makes it damn near impossible for me to sleep. The bassinet is right next to our bed. With every movement and every sound, I have to look over to see what she is doing. She is the noisest sleeper EVER. She even takes the record from The Snore-Master, Huzbend. I don't get it. How can she function like this? Doesn't a growing baby need actual sleep? What the hell is this 5 minute sleep thing? I DO know one thing, I can't function on this whacked out sleep pattern. I'm absolutely exhausted.

The other night she was doing her 5-minute sleepy thing when all of a sudden she screamed blue-bloody murder. I jumped out of bed so fast you might have thought I was on fire. I grabbed her quickly and ran into the other room so as to minimize Huzbends exposure to the ear-drum peircing screams. I did a quick examination to find out what the deal was. While she was flailing her arms around she had punched herself in the eye and left a nice gash on the side of it. She did this with her fingernails. It was so deep that it actually bled. Jeez.

Today, I noticed another cut on her nose. When that got there, I will never know. Again, I ask, is this normal?

Cradle Crap

PROBLEM #1:
Katie's umbilical cord had fallen off exactly at the 4 week mark. I was glad that the ugly shriveled black thing was gone. The only problem was that when it fell off, underneath it was this little stubby peice of raw flesh. Can you say, "EW"? I mean, it was bad enough having a rotting thing on her stomach for an entire month and now this? Come on!

Anyways, it is a little nub that sticks out of her belly button. I thought to myself, "Okay. So this will dry up and fall off eventually. It must be part of the larger thingie that already fell off." I waited four days and it just never got better. Sure, it would scab up and all but as soon as she spent any time on her belly or sat in her car seat the scab would pull off and the thing would puss and bleed. Last thing I wanted was an infection.

PROBLEM #2:
Katie had broken out in acne all over the place. And I do mean ALL OVER. Her chest, her arms, her neck, ears and especially her face. I read the books. Baby acne is a normal occurance for her age. The problem was that between her eyes she had developed a scaly yellowish-brown patch. It was slowly extending up her scalp and into her eyebrows. Was this excema?

So, I called the doctor. Found out that this is all NORMAL. Duh. I shoulda known. Again, I prove my "NEWB-NESS". The little peice left on her belly button is called a granuloma. It should heal itself and shrink down. If it doesn't do that by her next appt. (2 weeks from now) they will have to cauterize it to take care of it. She also has a slight umbilical hernia that is making the granuloma look much worse. All babies have a hole in their stomach muscles for the umbilical cord to go through. Some just take longer to heal than others. This "hernia" causes her belly button to push out a little when she cries or yells. This is also normal and should heal itself in a few weeks. The yellowish-brown stuff - Cradle Cap. Again, normal. The formal name for Cradle Cap is seborreah (don't know if I spelled that right). It can occur anywhere on a baby, not just the scalp. The treatment is just soap and water. JEEZ.

This brings me to my point for today = BABIES ARE GROSS. Okay, so they don't look gross to the normal average person, but take my word for it as a new mom. They are. All you relatives come to visit and oooooo and ahhhh over her cuteness. Let me tell you people. There is a lot of work behind that cuteness. You want the truth? You CAN'T handle the truth!!!

From the moment of conception babies are gross. Look at the pictures of a baby developing in the womb. There are times when it looks like something Ellen Ripley would fight on a disabled space freighter - minus the acidic drool. Then there are the side effects of being pregnant. Vomiting (I was lucky to avoid this one), bloating, farting (yes, farting A LOT), stretch marks, etc. Then there is the whole labor thing. The C-section delivery speaks for itself. When else can your husband have a front row seat to a viewing of some of your organs? Vaginal deliveries have their own brand of brackish fun. I have three words for you, "Pushing equals poop." I will explain that if I have to. Then there is the post-labor fun. How about having your period for about 6 weeks and a constant uterus-ache? Ugh.

Then your baby comes into the world. "Here she is! Isn't she gorgeous?" Are you kidding? You are just so happy to see her that you overlook what could be considered the money shot for a midnight horror flick. The baby is covered with vernix (white slimy stuff), YOUR blood and looks like Quasimodo on a bad day.

When you get her home you've got diapers, you've got spit up, you've got that nasty-ass umbilical cord to look at (and smell) everday. Once you've gotten used to that, she breaks out in a million white heads and gets a head full of dandruff.

I'm gonna say "it" though. I thought I never would. The phrase I have made fun of for years and years. I balked at all the moms that have ever said this to me thinking that they were all full of crap. Thinking that they just said this to other women to trick them into having a baby so that they might have someone to share their misery with. But here goes, "It's all worth it". I can't believe I just said that. I wouldn't say it if I wasn't true. You people know how un-sappy I am. And yet, this phrase is completely valid. I love every little bit of Katie. That includes her stumpy belly button and her flaky forehead.

The real lesson to learn from this entry is that parenthood is not for the weak stomached. Please remember this all you people thinking about getting preggers. Seriously, do a gut check before knockin' those boots okay? Consider yourself warned.

I want in on this action

Hello. My name is Katie.

At least, I think it is. There is some confusion on my part as to what my name actually is. It could be a multitude of things. Here is a list I have compiled, in my spare time (which conveniently I have A LOT of)

Katie
Baby Katie
Katie Baby
Monkey
Snuggle-Bug
Sweet Pea
Little Kid
Shmoo-Boo
Pooper

The list could go on. I really wish these "parental units" of mine would make up their minds and stick to one.

Today, I danced to salsa music and then did a quick workout on the treadmill. Okay. So, I slept through my workout on the treadmill. I'll admit it. I watched some Ellen DeGeneres and some Oprah. I hung out on my automatic swing machine. Love that thing. Highly recommend one, if you get the chance. Not quite sure what else is on the schedule today. I think I will eat a late lunch and then punch at some giant musical insects, maybe throw a smile or two at Mommy to get her all excited. Such is my life. Isn't it grand?

Today is my 1 month birthday.

I have to tell you the truth. It seems that I am quite lucky to have made it this far. Please see illustrations below as to why I say this....


This is my Mommy. She's been having a tough go of it. Being the independent minded infant that I am, I decided to stick it to The Man at birth. I was going to buck the trend and come into the world sideways as a statement of my individuality. This meant a quick little surgery for Mom. I knew she could take it, she's tough. Sorry Mom, but I gotta keep it real. Then, I decided that I was going to pretend to NOT know how to suck on a nipple. I still pretend when I can. Don't tell her, but I know what bottles are and I'll be damned if it isn't easier gettin' a meal out of one of those. She's been trying everything she can to get me to eat "au natural", but I ain't havin' it. I have to give her an "A" for effort though. She hasn't given up on me yet.

She's still adjusting to this stay-at-home mommy business. She's new to the mommy thing and let me tell you, IT SHOWS. Jeez. She didn't even know how to put a diaper on me. Daddy had to show her how to do it. She's all nervous all the time too. Every little thing I do, she looks up in her books to make sure that it's "Normal". Helllllllooooooo? Can you say "Whack-Job"? Just to get her riled up, I love to wait until she has my diaper off and then I poop on her. Yes. I poop on her. She gets all flustered and starts rushing around like a crazy person to get me all cleaned up. It is great fun. I kill me! Ha!

She loves updating her blog and surfing the net when she gets the chance. I can't say that I have been very cooperative in that respect. I demand a lot of attention. She's learned to sneak an update when she can. The most imporant thing is that she loves me. She kisses and hugs me all the time. But hey, who wouldn't want to? I mean come on people! Take a look at the photo at the top of this entry and tell me you wouldn't. Yes, I am cute.....and modest too! All that and a bag of chips.

This is my Daddy. What can I say? I mean, look at this picture. Mom is definitely the more serious of the two of them. She seems to take my crying personally. Daddy on the other hand cries right back at me. No. I mean it. He really does. He'll be, like, "Waaahhhhh! Waahhhhh! All I do is cry and poop! Waaaah! Waaaah!" I wonder is he talking about me or himself? Daddy likes to play games with me. He is very entertaining. I would be hardpressed to choose which is my favorite one. I think it would be a toss-up between being the "Queen of Knee-Top Mountain" or his rendition of the "Poopy Song". As for the "Poopy Song", I hear American Idol is coming to our area for try-outs. I see a million dollar record contract on the horizon for Dad. Ivy-league college, here I come!

Dad likes to have fun. He's already taught me so many things. Here are just a few examples: all meals must have a ying and a yang taste, I must always ask for newer/better toys even if the old ones are still in good working order, I must learn calculus at an early age, I must annoy Mommy every chance I get, it is easier to be Fighter class in Elder Scrolls: Oblivion than a battle mage, and last but not least, Daddy's are the best (don't tell Mommy).

Anyways, Mommy is always telling Daddy to be careful when he plays with me. I wonder why? Is he clutzy or something? Is there something that you people aren't telling me? Do I have reason to be concerned?

So, those are my parents. I guess I am still getting used to them, as they are getting used to me. I AM quite a handful. But, they have noone else to blame but themselves. It's all genetic and stuff. They brewed the pot and now they have to drink it. What that means, I have no idea. What the hell is a pot?

Ba-dum, dum. I'm here all week people! Try the fish. Thank you and good night!

Ode to Ripley

I remember when you were small,
When I would throw that little ball.
Off you'd go as fast as you could,
Just like a good puppy always should.
Into my lap you would run and jump,
Landing there with a hearty 'Thump!"

Even as a puppy you were big,
And being a "Show Dog" was your gig.
You were good, oh yes you were,
Other dogs would call you "Sir".
Some out there said that you were dumb,
but soon a Champion you did become!

As you got older you never forgot,
The times we spent weren't all for not.
Every time you saw my face,
You would run all over the place.
Around the table and the couch above,
It felt so good to feel that love.

Someday, I may get a dog of my own,
But you will always stand out alone.
You'll always be my special puppy,
I'll really miss you, my Buh-Buppy.

Gaze into my eyes......

You will love me. Yes, you will. It is no use to deny me. Surrender now and give me your soul.
Dammit. Why do they make me wear this dumb-ass hat? I look like a friggin' Pilgrim.

So, this is what happens after I pee on myself with no diaper on. A midnight bath in the master bath sink. SWEET. This rocks.

Is it just me, or are these giant music-playing, light-up bugs fascinating?

It's been a while since we posted any pics of our little girl. It's hard to believe that it's been three weeks since she entered the world. THREE weeks. Wow. It went fast. Now I know what all you moms out there were talking about when you said, "It goes quick!"

She smiles now. Well, okay, at least I think it's a smile. Who knows if it's really a smile except for Katie. She makes all sorts of noises now too.

Today, she had me laughing out loud for the first time. Sometimes she gets so frantic at the boob that she confuses my nipples for her hands. I know, so she's not a genius yet. Anyways, today she opened and closed her mouth like a little fish, swung her arms around and made snorting pig noises all at the same time. It was damn hilarious. If it happens again I think I would videotape it, but there is no way that I'm putting boob footage up on this blog. Bad enough my daughters mustard covered butt is bared for all to see.

Huzbend and I have learned to deal with her bouts of crying. I guess it's more like we have just gotten used to it. When we first got her home every time she cried we were like, "What is she crying for? We don't understand. Help!!!!" Then I would cry because she was crying. What a lame-o I am. Damn hormones. Three weeks later and it's a different story. It's not that we don't care that she is crying. We just don't freak out about it anymore. It's weird the crap that a person can get used to.

I had my first follow up with the OB/GYN. Things are healing up fine. She told me that I could take the steri-strips (peices of tape holding my scar together) off. I thought that SHE would do that stuff. She recommended that I wait until I was in the shower to do it. Ugh. I cried with every peice I took off thinking to myself, "Okay. This is the peice of tape that was holding my intestines in." She also told me that I have to wait another 4 weeks or so before I can do any regular excercise. The inside sutures are still healing. I feel like such a slug. I can't wait to be active again. Well, as active as little Katie will let me be.

I also wanted to tell ya'll how damn nice my neighbors are. My next door neighbor rallied the neighborhood moms and they have volunteered to make us food. So far we have gotten a tray of lasagne, poundcake, homemade pasta sauce with salad and bread, a full tray of spaghetti. Incredible. We got food from a woman that I have never even met! These people are too nice. Again, I state that there must be something wrong with them.

We've had some more visitors too. Uncle Little Bro' and Auntie Swims-with-Dolphins came to visit this past week. Thanks for all the gifts! Katie loves them all. Huzbend's mom also stopped in for a visit too. She brought along with her some damn fine cooking skillz. Her skillz are so great that she got me to eat MEATLOAF.