Cradle Crap

PROBLEM #1:
Katie's umbilical cord had fallen off exactly at the 4 week mark. I was glad that the ugly shriveled black thing was gone. The only problem was that when it fell off, underneath it was this little stubby peice of raw flesh. Can you say, "EW"? I mean, it was bad enough having a rotting thing on her stomach for an entire month and now this? Come on!

Anyways, it is a little nub that sticks out of her belly button. I thought to myself, "Okay. So this will dry up and fall off eventually. It must be part of the larger thingie that already fell off." I waited four days and it just never got better. Sure, it would scab up and all but as soon as she spent any time on her belly or sat in her car seat the scab would pull off and the thing would puss and bleed. Last thing I wanted was an infection.

PROBLEM #2:
Katie had broken out in acne all over the place. And I do mean ALL OVER. Her chest, her arms, her neck, ears and especially her face. I read the books. Baby acne is a normal occurance for her age. The problem was that between her eyes she had developed a scaly yellowish-brown patch. It was slowly extending up her scalp and into her eyebrows. Was this excema?

So, I called the doctor. Found out that this is all NORMAL. Duh. I shoulda known. Again, I prove my "NEWB-NESS". The little peice left on her belly button is called a granuloma. It should heal itself and shrink down. If it doesn't do that by her next appt. (2 weeks from now) they will have to cauterize it to take care of it. She also has a slight umbilical hernia that is making the granuloma look much worse. All babies have a hole in their stomach muscles for the umbilical cord to go through. Some just take longer to heal than others. This "hernia" causes her belly button to push out a little when she cries or yells. This is also normal and should heal itself in a few weeks. The yellowish-brown stuff - Cradle Cap. Again, normal. The formal name for Cradle Cap is seborreah (don't know if I spelled that right). It can occur anywhere on a baby, not just the scalp. The treatment is just soap and water. JEEZ.

This brings me to my point for today = BABIES ARE GROSS. Okay, so they don't look gross to the normal average person, but take my word for it as a new mom. They are. All you relatives come to visit and oooooo and ahhhh over her cuteness. Let me tell you people. There is a lot of work behind that cuteness. You want the truth? You CAN'T handle the truth!!!

From the moment of conception babies are gross. Look at the pictures of a baby developing in the womb. There are times when it looks like something Ellen Ripley would fight on a disabled space freighter - minus the acidic drool. Then there are the side effects of being pregnant. Vomiting (I was lucky to avoid this one), bloating, farting (yes, farting A LOT), stretch marks, etc. Then there is the whole labor thing. The C-section delivery speaks for itself. When else can your husband have a front row seat to a viewing of some of your organs? Vaginal deliveries have their own brand of brackish fun. I have three words for you, "Pushing equals poop." I will explain that if I have to. Then there is the post-labor fun. How about having your period for about 6 weeks and a constant uterus-ache? Ugh.

Then your baby comes into the world. "Here she is! Isn't she gorgeous?" Are you kidding? You are just so happy to see her that you overlook what could be considered the money shot for a midnight horror flick. The baby is covered with vernix (white slimy stuff), YOUR blood and looks like Quasimodo on a bad day.

When you get her home you've got diapers, you've got spit up, you've got that nasty-ass umbilical cord to look at (and smell) everday. Once you've gotten used to that, she breaks out in a million white heads and gets a head full of dandruff.

I'm gonna say "it" though. I thought I never would. The phrase I have made fun of for years and years. I balked at all the moms that have ever said this to me thinking that they were all full of crap. Thinking that they just said this to other women to trick them into having a baby so that they might have someone to share their misery with. But here goes, "It's all worth it". I can't believe I just said that. I wouldn't say it if I wasn't true. You people know how un-sappy I am. And yet, this phrase is completely valid. I love every little bit of Katie. That includes her stumpy belly button and her flaky forehead.

The real lesson to learn from this entry is that parenthood is not for the weak stomached. Please remember this all you people thinking about getting preggers. Seriously, do a gut check before knockin' those boots okay? Consider yourself warned.