"WAHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Hmmmm.

The "meltdowns" haven't stopped.

Since the first one on Thursday, the 18th, there have been 3 or 4 others.

Most of them lasting about an hour to two hours at a time.

First we thought it was seperation anxiety. Then we thought it was the teething rash on her face or the teething itself. Who knows what it is. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to these screaming sessions besides them occuring at night.

So, now I get anxious every night before bedtime.

Hearing her scream like that makes my heart rate jump up. It makes my body tempurature rise. The adrenaline dump it causes makes me feel like I've drank about twenty Red Bulls.

I began to doubt all the stuff that I've learned about her over the past five months. Where was I going wrong?

But, do you wanna know what's weird? I'm getting used to it.

Weird, huh? I remember when she was first born and I wrote about getting used to her crying for everything, to only getting two hours of sleep at a time, and her poopy diapers. But this is different. How does someone get used to a baby that is screaming at the top of her lungs?

I'm not sure. But, I'm doing it.

Yes, I still get anxious. That's not going to go away. But all this screaming is making me a better mom. I find that I can get through one of her fits without having a fit myself. Her crying used to make me want to cry. For some reason, in the past week, I've become stronger in this aspect. My brain has decided to get tough. I have to be the Mommy. It's my job to hold her while she screams it out.

I should take video of one of her fits.

Hold on, now! Don't panic. Not so I can post it here! So, I can show K-T when she gets older. Something like, "See what you put Mommy and Daddy through" or as blackmail when she gets to be a teenager.

No, no posting it here. I don't want to scare off any potential parents, you know.

Trust me. The picture that you all have in your head of her screaming is totally not as bad as the live thing.

"Goochie, goochie gooooo! How 'bout a smiley-wiley?"

Since K-T has been able to hold her head steady, I've been putting her in the baby carrier facing outwards so that she can see the world.

I'm sure you've seen some moms walking around with these carriers on. They're the ones where the baby is strapped to the moms chest. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, please refer to K-T's post from Sept. 15th 2006. There's a pic of me with her in the carrier before she could hold her head up.

It's been about a month and a half and she absolutely loves it.

We walk around and she's all like, "OOOOooooo. Oooo. Oo."

And I'm like, "Do you see the trees, K-T? The trees are green. The trees are tall. Taller than Mommy. Do you hear the doggie barking? Boy, he is a loud doggie" or "Okay K-T, time to get the milk. The milk is cold. Brrrrrrr. Okay. Now, we can't forget Mommy's yogurt!"

I must sound like a complete tool.

Anyways, when we are walking around the grocery store or at the mall, it is just about guaranteed that someone is going to approach us and start talking directly to K-T. It's the funniest thing. They completely ignore me and start jabbering nonsense to her. They ALWAYS try to get her to smile.

Which leads me to my point. K-T doesn't smile at strangers.

No matter how ridiculous a face they make, no matter how high and squeaky their voices get, she just stares at them as if she is thinking to herself, "What IS this idiot DOING?"

They're always let down. You can see it in their faces. They expect her to smile and when she doesn't, it's almost like it ruins their day.

Then these people always say something like, "Hmph. ALL babies smile at me" or, "Ohhhh. No smile for me, baby?"

Translation: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR BABY?

I don't know. I don't know why she doesn't smile at you. She smiles plenty at home.

It always leaves me feeling bad that she won't smile for them.

So, I tell them that she is "soaking it all in". That there is so much to see that she just can't focus on them to smile. That she might be overwhelmed.

I really don't think this is true. But, the people buy it because then they keep talking to her.

"Awwwwww. Poor baybee. That's okaaaaaay. It's all too much for you, huh? Oh look! The wittle baybee is wooking at da buttons! Are you gonna help Mommy push da buttons? I bet you are! Push! Push! Push! Aren't you the cutest wittle baybee? Yeeeeeees. Soooooo keeeeeyyyyyuuuuute!"

Sigh.

Meltdown

I know what you're thinking when you look at the photos that I post of our darling Baybee K-T.

You're thinking, "Awwwww. Isn't she the cutest thing? Look at those pudgy cheeks! Don't you just want to pinch 'em? She's so sweet, I could just eat her up! Garsh darn it!"

Okay, so that ended up sounding like something Aunt Bee of Mayberry would say. But, it's the idea that I'm trying to get across.

That is the case. Well, most of the time.

But, last night. Uhn-uhn. Not so.

K-T wanted to take a nap at about 8pm. Usually, that isn't a problem. She'll sleep for about 20-30 minutes and then I'll put her to bed at about 11. No sweat.

So, she fell asleep on Huzbend's lap. To help her fall asleep we usually lay a blanket over her head.

It's not the way it sounds. We don't try to suffocate her. She just likes to cuddle with the blanket before she falls asleep. Kinda like Linus or something.

Anyways, she fell asleep. DEEP ASLEEP.

The problem was that she was still sleeping an hour later.

I asked Huzbend to wake her up so that I wouldn't have to be up all night. Boy, was that a mistake.

I think we woke her prematurely.

She started with a tearless cry.

This quickly ramped up into a scream.

Then the tears began to flow.

Then boogers started flowing out her nose.

Then she got the hiccups from screaming too much.

Then she started gagging on spit up.

Then she began to suck in deep breaths, kinda like hyperventilating, because she was screaming so hard.

Nothing would stop her. Not hugs, not kisses, not soft talking, not rocking, not the binky, not a diaper change, not classical music, not the ba-ba's. Nothing.

Finally, after an hour and a half of the tirade, huzbend got her to relax a little. And when I say relax, I mean not screaming constantly but taking small breaks in between. I was able to breastfeed her and she fell asleep.

Kudos to huzbend who continued to hold her for pretty much the entire time she was screaming. I think he might be deaf in one ear today. I really didn't have the stomach for it. I still get upset when she screams. I can't take it. I'm such a wuss.

She slept the whole night through. From 10:30pm all the way to 8:30 in the morning.

Phew.

It was a bad one. One of the worst. And last night wasn't the first time it happened. The same thing happened on Thursday night.

I hope we aren't getting into a pattern.

It's my turn, Mommy!

How old am I again? Five what? Five mumps? What are mumps? Shouldn't I be getting shots for that? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. MoNths! Five moNths? Okay, okay.

I am five months old and I am a-likin' it.

We had a thing called Christmas this time around. Man, it was awesome. I'm not quite sure I get it though. Why does someone go through the hassel of wrapping stuff in all that paper when it takes about one second to tear it all to peices? Well, it takes me a little longer. It only seems to take Daddy half that time. He's a master un-wrapper. Wouldn't it just be easier for everyone to just give the unwrapped toy? Then you could just start playing with it immediately. What do I know, though.

Thanks to everyone out there that sent me such great presents. They are all super cool! Mommy and Daddy got me a new best buddy, Flutterbug. I also got a jumpy seat. Even though I can't quite figure out how to 'jump' in it, it still is sweet. It's got lights and sounds and a hoppy little kanga on it. Dudes. Just wait until you see it on the video. You'll wish you were me. Totally.

Speaking of Mommy and Daddy. They're hangin' in there. I think I might be driving them just a little nuts as evidenced from the pictures below. You see, I DEMAND attention now. I've figured out how to make my wishes known. All I have to do is scream and 'put on my angry eyes'. They do just about anything to make me stop. Bwa-hahahahaha! You should see it! Man, sometimes I just crack myself up.

To Mommy and Daddy's great relief, I usually get about ten hours of sleep a night. Sometimes, if I really concentrate, I can even go a whole eight hours without eating. How nice am I? Thought I would give Mommy and the Ba-Ba's a break every now and then. I still take at least three naps a day as well. Two little half hour ones and then one ginormous three hour one in the swing. Here's a pic of me and Daddy just chillin'. I'm gettin' ready for a mini-nap.

Oh, and here's a pic of me just waking up. I mean, come on. Noone looks good when the first wake up and yes, Baybee K-T is no exception to the rule. Sigh. There's just no escaping the paparazzi.

There have been a bunch of what Mommy likes to call, "firsts" this month. Let's run down the list of things that make me so cool.

I got my own big girl chair. Now, I can sit and enjoy meals with Mommy and Daddy. I don't have to sit way down on the floor anymore. It's pretty cool. I can play with Flutterbug. I can grab at anything that comes close to me. I can provide entertainment during breaks in conversation. Heck! I can even join in the conversation. It's wicked cool.

I also tried this stuff called 'cereal' for the first time ever this month. I really hated it the first time I tried it. But, I've had it about a dozen times now and I think it's growing on me. Literally.

Ha-ha. What a knee-slapper! Man! I got a million of 'em.

My arms are finally long enough to reach the giant butterfly. FINALLY. Jeez. I've been wanting a piece of him for a while. Watch as I try to pull his wing off. He can take it. He's tough.

What else? Oh yeah! This is a big one. I can sit up now.

Man, do I kick butt or what?

Right after that Christmas thingie, Daddy decided to sit me up to see if I could stay there. And, yep, you guessed it, I DID! I've just been getting better and better at it. It is SOOOOO neat. I can see so much more stuff. The problem is that the stuff is always JUST out of reach. Now, if there was only a way that I could get to it. I'm still working on that one.

Mirror, mirror on the floor. If you don't think I'm cute, show 'em the door.

It snowed again. This time, thanks to one of the Christmas presents I got, I was prepared. It took Mommy about 5 minutes to get this thingie on me, but I think it was worth it.

Check out the faux fur lining. Luxurious.

Check out my latest vid. And, NO, Daddy is not in his underwear in that first shot. He's wearing shorts. Get your minds out of the gutters, people.

So, um, when's that Christmas thing again? A WHOLE YEAR AWAY?!?!

What choo talkin' 'bout Willis?!?!?!

Orange Snow

What the hell?!?!

You can call me on this, but I think that we've gotten more snow in the Northwest this year than where we used to live. I know it's only the second week of January, but we weren't supposed to get any snow here AT ALL. Talk about false advertising.

I also think that we have had much colder weather. Today our tempurature is 28 degrees, but feels like 22. Back East, well, it's 45 degrees. The weather switched coasts on us.

Al Gore must be right. Global warming, people. A VERY inconvenient truth.

We got about 2 inches of snow on Wednesday night. And once again, it threw our area into mass chaos. People abandoning cars, massive traffic jams, unplowed/untreated icy roads. It's craziness. I guess it makes for good news coverage though. They just can't stop talking about the unprecedented snowfall and plunging tempuratures.

If you ask me, I would say, "been there, done that." It's all quite boring. I really thought I would miss the snow. I guess it heard me and followed us here. Now, I wish it would go back home.

There is a difference between city snow and country snow. When country snow falls, it's a pristine white color. When city snow falls, it's orange. Yep. Orange.

I looked at one of our bedroom windows on Wednesday night and there was an eerie glow emanating from behind the shade. So, I got up to look out one of the front windows. The snow that was falling was reflecting the glow of the street lights. It was creepy.

I guess you could say it was "orange out" conditions.

What else is new?

Huzbend worked from home yesterday. But, today, he rode his mountain bike to work in the frigid temps and ice. He is one crazy dude.

K-T mauled her forehead. We've been fighting a losing battle with dry skin. She's got it really bad. Last night, during a mini-nap, she decided to scratch her forehead. Now, it's all torn up. Looks like she got in a fight with a weed whacker. This weekend, I think we have to go out and get a humidifier or something. Lotion is just not cutting it anymore.

Finger Pickin' Good

I'm stressed.

You may be thinking to yourself, "Why the hell is SHE stressed? She's a stay-at-home mom. Her responsibilities include: grocery shopping, changing diapers, feeding hungry kid, reading bedtimes stories, cleaning house, playing with kid, etc. What the hell is so complicated about that?"

To answer your question. I have no freakin' idea.

I do know this, I AM STRESSED.

The reason that I know I'm stressed is that I cannot stop picking my fingers.

Picking your fingers is some sort of an obsessive compulsive disorder brought on by worry or stress. It's really gross. It involves picking away at the skin right next to your fingernails, sometimes to the point of bleeding. There are times when you don't even realize that you're doing it. When you actually DO realize you're doing it, you're obsessed with making sure that you get ALL the bits of skin hanging off so that your fingers look smooth. How whacked is that? This picking action releases some kind of hormone that helps you to feel relaxed. The problem is that soon all your fingers have open sores on them. They also become bright pink because there's no longer any normal skin on them, just scar tissue. I'm pretty sure it messes up how your nails grow too.

I've been doing this since I was a kid. There were times when I had managed to stop. But, since K-T was born, I've just fallen right back into the bad habit.

Finger picking is disgusting. I know this and yet it's really hard to stop. What if K-T gets older and sees me doing it? I don't want to pass my weirdness onto her.

You want to know another way I know I am over-stressed? I went to the dentist last week for the last round of replacement fillings. The dentist had asked me at my first appointment if I ground my teeth at night. I told her that I didn't think so. She said that she would keep an eye on my teeth. After that appointment, I noticed that I don't GRIND my teeth, I CLENCH them. I first noticed that I was doing it when I was breastfeeding and then at night when I was waiting for the baby to fall asleep. Now, I notice that I do it practically all day long. It's not just when I am stressed about K-T. It's when I am doing any task that requires concentration. This clenching is grinding down my molars so much that the dentist had to give me a bite guard to wear at night!

I guess, first I have to figure out what is stressing me and then try to conquer it. I'm naturally a person that stresses about things. It's just me. The difference is going to be how I deal with the stress. I've got to find another outlet or something. Or, just learn to deal with it.

NUMBER 1:
I'm what you would call, uh, 'anal'. I like things to be a certain way. I like to be in control. For example, this whole baby thing; no control. I mean, she does have a schedule of sorts; eats every 3-4 hours, needs a mini-nap every 2 to 3 hours and needs a long nap in the afternoon. I can usually interpret what she wants, but there are some times when I am just at a loss. I hate the fact that there are times when I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

NUMBER 2:
Everyday I have a list in my head of things that I want to accomplish. I am a very organized person. I like to have plans. Like, today for example. This is what I want to do; go grocery shopping, clean the bathrooms, update my blog, check my email, do some work for my old company, get a workout in, take a shower, watch some of the recorded TV shows on the DVR so they don't get deleted, water the plants, pay some bills, put away the clean laundry. Now, that's a lot. There is NO WAY I am going to get all that done. Problem is that I'll try. If I don't succeed, I'll feel like I didn't accomplish anything today.

Notice in that list there is nothing about K-T. I'll try to work all that stuff in between taking care of her. That list of chores is secondary to her and her needs. She always comes first. And yet, even if I spend all day taking care of her and she is the happiest baby in the world it won't be enough. Even if Parents magazine came to my door today to name me "Worlds Greatest Mommy", I would still feel like I slacked if I didn't clean the goddamn toilet. What is wrong with me?

NUMBER 3:
At night, it's a different story. Huzbend comes home and we spend some quality family time together. It's the best time of day. Come 10pm, it's time for him to get to bed and K-T and I to do our nightly ritual. Getting her to sleep is one of the most stressfull times for me. Last night, I was sitting there in her room just picking and picking at my fingers. I just couldn't stop. I was thinking in my head, "You HAVE to STOP, right now." And, I just couldn't.

I think this all comes down again to control. I hate when she wakes up and screams in the middle of the night. I am obsessed with it. I lose sleep because of it. I'll put her down at night and she'll fall asleep. Then I go to lay down and I can't sleep for fear of her waking up. I'll lay there and think to myself, "She's going to wake up any minute now. I have to be ready." I'll just stare at the monitor....waiting. I can't help it. Huzbend has said multiple times that it doesn't matter if she wakes him up. He's even told me that she has YET to wake him up with a nighttime screaming fit. But, still, I'm obsessed.

I have to let all this stuff go. It's unhealthy to be stressed all the time. And actually, to tell you the truth, I'm clenching my jaw right now as I type. Jeez. This is going to be hard. The finger picking thing is another story. I've stopped before. I'll just have to force myself to do it again.

It's got to stop.

Haiku Friday

Secure in my arms

Katie looks out the window

Wind chimes ring softly