Finger Pickin' Good

I'm stressed.

You may be thinking to yourself, "Why the hell is SHE stressed? She's a stay-at-home mom. Her responsibilities include: grocery shopping, changing diapers, feeding hungry kid, reading bedtimes stories, cleaning house, playing with kid, etc. What the hell is so complicated about that?"

To answer your question. I have no freakin' idea.

I do know this, I AM STRESSED.

The reason that I know I'm stressed is that I cannot stop picking my fingers.

Picking your fingers is some sort of an obsessive compulsive disorder brought on by worry or stress. It's really gross. It involves picking away at the skin right next to your fingernails, sometimes to the point of bleeding. There are times when you don't even realize that you're doing it. When you actually DO realize you're doing it, you're obsessed with making sure that you get ALL the bits of skin hanging off so that your fingers look smooth. How whacked is that? This picking action releases some kind of hormone that helps you to feel relaxed. The problem is that soon all your fingers have open sores on them. They also become bright pink because there's no longer any normal skin on them, just scar tissue. I'm pretty sure it messes up how your nails grow too.

I've been doing this since I was a kid. There were times when I had managed to stop. But, since K-T was born, I've just fallen right back into the bad habit.

Finger picking is disgusting. I know this and yet it's really hard to stop. What if K-T gets older and sees me doing it? I don't want to pass my weirdness onto her.

You want to know another way I know I am over-stressed? I went to the dentist last week for the last round of replacement fillings. The dentist had asked me at my first appointment if I ground my teeth at night. I told her that I didn't think so. She said that she would keep an eye on my teeth. After that appointment, I noticed that I don't GRIND my teeth, I CLENCH them. I first noticed that I was doing it when I was breastfeeding and then at night when I was waiting for the baby to fall asleep. Now, I notice that I do it practically all day long. It's not just when I am stressed about K-T. It's when I am doing any task that requires concentration. This clenching is grinding down my molars so much that the dentist had to give me a bite guard to wear at night!

I guess, first I have to figure out what is stressing me and then try to conquer it. I'm naturally a person that stresses about things. It's just me. The difference is going to be how I deal with the stress. I've got to find another outlet or something. Or, just learn to deal with it.

NUMBER 1:
I'm what you would call, uh, 'anal'. I like things to be a certain way. I like to be in control. For example, this whole baby thing; no control. I mean, she does have a schedule of sorts; eats every 3-4 hours, needs a mini-nap every 2 to 3 hours and needs a long nap in the afternoon. I can usually interpret what she wants, but there are some times when I am just at a loss. I hate the fact that there are times when I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

NUMBER 2:
Everyday I have a list in my head of things that I want to accomplish. I am a very organized person. I like to have plans. Like, today for example. This is what I want to do; go grocery shopping, clean the bathrooms, update my blog, check my email, do some work for my old company, get a workout in, take a shower, watch some of the recorded TV shows on the DVR so they don't get deleted, water the plants, pay some bills, put away the clean laundry. Now, that's a lot. There is NO WAY I am going to get all that done. Problem is that I'll try. If I don't succeed, I'll feel like I didn't accomplish anything today.

Notice in that list there is nothing about K-T. I'll try to work all that stuff in between taking care of her. That list of chores is secondary to her and her needs. She always comes first. And yet, even if I spend all day taking care of her and she is the happiest baby in the world it won't be enough. Even if Parents magazine came to my door today to name me "Worlds Greatest Mommy", I would still feel like I slacked if I didn't clean the goddamn toilet. What is wrong with me?

NUMBER 3:
At night, it's a different story. Huzbend comes home and we spend some quality family time together. It's the best time of day. Come 10pm, it's time for him to get to bed and K-T and I to do our nightly ritual. Getting her to sleep is one of the most stressfull times for me. Last night, I was sitting there in her room just picking and picking at my fingers. I just couldn't stop. I was thinking in my head, "You HAVE to STOP, right now." And, I just couldn't.

I think this all comes down again to control. I hate when she wakes up and screams in the middle of the night. I am obsessed with it. I lose sleep because of it. I'll put her down at night and she'll fall asleep. Then I go to lay down and I can't sleep for fear of her waking up. I'll lay there and think to myself, "She's going to wake up any minute now. I have to be ready." I'll just stare at the monitor....waiting. I can't help it. Huzbend has said multiple times that it doesn't matter if she wakes him up. He's even told me that she has YET to wake him up with a nighttime screaming fit. But, still, I'm obsessed.

I have to let all this stuff go. It's unhealthy to be stressed all the time. And actually, to tell you the truth, I'm clenching my jaw right now as I type. Jeez. This is going to be hard. The finger picking thing is another story. I've stopped before. I'll just have to force myself to do it again.

It's got to stop.