Yes "we" gave birth. Here's a picture of the little troll they ripped from my wife's womb:
Hideous isn't she? Holy crap. Why are newborns so fugly? Alright, here's a better picture:
Katherine Jane, 43 centimeters (I think. I didn't actually measure), 7 pounds exactly.
Not too fussy. Likes sucking on biceps, fingers, blankets, and mostly nipples. Hey we have something in common already. Get your mind out of the gutter, I used to have a blanket I liked to suck on.
Here's the play by play if you are still reading:
6:45 AM: Hime drops a big load of something in the toilet. Not from the spot where you'd normally drop loads.
7:00 AM: Hime and Huzbend begin freaking out trying to find stuff to bring to the hospital. Where's the list? What list? We made a list. Did you remember the pencil sharpener? What about my green socks with the pictures of monkeys? OH My GOD HOW do we get to the hospital?
9:00 AM: Hime and Huzbend arrive half an hour late. Traffic sucks out here.
9:10 AM: Hime oozes like half a gallon of whitish fluid all over the examination table. Huzbend succeeds in not ralphing. Yes your water has broken. And thanks for getting it on my shirt.
10:30 AM: First real contraction. Hey that hurt. This is going to be rough. Huzbend begins vigorous rubbing and breathing exercises.
11:30 AM: Contractions take it up a notch. Hime is now screaming and moaning. This is not turning out to be much fun. More vigorous rubbing and breathing by me. I feel like a retard, but Hime says it's helping.
1:30 PM: Full bore go "F" your mother contractions start. Hime is both crying and screaming. Hime wants pain meds. Hime is a mess.
I have a moment where I actually consider someone else's feelings for once. I can either a) Say what I'm thinking - "Suck it up cry baby" or b) Say what I think Hime wants me to say "We should totally get an epidural". I pick b) for some reason.
Side note: See unless you are directly related to Hime and you know me pretty well, you might be thinking Huzbend is a douche bag. Okay even if you are related to me and Hime, you think I'm a douche bag .
However what I'm trying to explain is that Hime really really prides herself on how "tough" or "macho" she is. In fact it's one of the things I love about her. She never quits at anything. I didn't want her to fail in her mission to be .. well .. "tough". But I also knew that if I said "okay we should get pain meds" she would feel less ashamed. It was a hard decision to make.
In retrospect, it was the right one. Let me continue the timeline and you might see why.
2:30 PM: Epidural guy comes in (by the way he was a dick. Totally nice to us but snappy to the nurses. I hate people like that). Epidural guy inserts this huge needle into Hime's back. In the middle of the needle is like a 18 gauge wire. Epidural guy then removes needle while the wire stays in Hime's back. Freaky. She's totally cyborg now.
2:45 PM: Hime is totally relaxed. No more freaking out. Well for her anyway. Now I'm thinking holy crap she stopped having labor. Nope. She just doesn't feel it anymore. Western medicine rocks.
6 PM: Nurse comes by and says when you really have to poo, make sure to ring me.
I think "poo"? She's having a baby, not a turd. Nurse explains, nope she's going to poo all over the place while having a baby. Same pushing.
I think, "I hope I don't barf all over Hime. That'd be like a total downer."
8 PM: Hime says call the nurse, I'm about to poo. And poo she does. Everywhere. Poo flies across the room. I look down, poo reaches up and smacks me in the face. People walk in the room, they slip on the poo.
We are not having a child, Hime just stopped by to drop a deuce and have a nurse wipe her bottom.
10 PM: After much more pooing, something is wrong. Nurse has this look on her face like "Hey I have some really crappy news, and I don't know how to tell you." So she calls the doctor so the doctor can tell us the crappy news.
10:15 PM: Doctor arrives and explains how Katie is asymptomatic or some goofy non layman term. She's facing the wrong way or something and her head is not fitting past Hime's pelvic bone. The "C" word appears. (No not cancer you twit). Caesarian. Totally gross.
See the problem for me (I'm going to again point out why I'm such a douchebag), is I'm a big wuss when it comes to watching people get cut open. I always change the channel on TV when this happens. I really hate TLC. And well I don't want to pass out or run away crying when Hime goes under the knife.
Yes ideally I should be concerned for Hime's health. Which I am. Very much so. But I'm also thinking those other thoughts too.
10:30 PM: After some discussion and a million questions we resign ourselves to the C section.
10:45 PM: I run down the hall chasing Hime with my video camera out (Hey at least this will make a more interesting movie than watching mommy grunt for 2 hours).
10:47 PM: I put on my booties, gown and cap and enter the OR (operating room for you layman types)
10:48 PM: Hime is layed out on an OR table kinda Jesus style. Her arms are tied down to each side and they strap her in at the knees.
11:00 PM: They start cutting. I can sort of peek behind the big curtain they put up between Hime's head and the baby. My stomach starts going around in circles but I man up and hold it together. Hime is hyperventilating and squeezing the shit out of my hand. Good thing she hasn't been working out much since she's been pregnant or I might have lost the use of my left hand.
11:08 PM: Doctor says "Look through the window" (there's a window in the curtain). I look through and see them pull a squirming infant out of a big gash in Hime's stomach. It is just like that scene in the first alien movie except everybody is smiling instead of screaming. I suddenly realize, I'm going to be a father.
11:10 PM: They wash off Katie, I take some pictures, Hime crys a bunch and we have our first child.
11:30 PM: We get back to our room/suite. Now comes the hard part (well for me anyway).
12-5AM: Katie cries while I attempt to call everybody and their brother (well my brother anyway).
5AM-6AM: Katie finally figures out how to eat.
6AM - 7AM: Daddy and Mommy get their first sleep in 24 hours.
Here's some more pictures:
